"It's an Apple, Drill Sergeant?"

One Friday evening during Basic Training at lovely Fort Dix, New Jersey, a buddy and I were walking from the chow hall over to the Shopette, a kind of 7-11 on military bases. As we were walking, I was eating an apple to finish the fine Army meal we had just had, which I thought was innocent enough.

Boy, was I wrong.

As we were walking, we walked in front of one of our sister companies. The company was conducting Physical Training (PT). All of a sudden I hear a very loud, "HEY YOU!!!"

We continue walking, feeling sorry for the poor soldier about to get his ass chewed. We then hear the Drill Sergeant scream, "YOU! WITH THE FOOD!!! STOP!" Apparently, my actions caught the eye of one of the Drill Sergeants of the company.

We both stop. The drill sergeant calls us over, and we run over to him and come to the position of Attention. He looks at us and says to me, pointing at my apple. "What is that?"

Perplexed and scared to death, I look at my apple, then him, then the apple. Then him. I say, "Ummm, it's an apple, Drill Sergeant."

"And are you allowed to eat food outside the Chow Hall, Private?"

Now here we come to an interesting dilemma. This particular subject had not been brought up with our company, that I knew of. However, I am not stupid, so I was not going to challenge this mean looking sonofabitch by being a smart ass. "No, Drill Sergeant? I chimed."

"So what are you doing eating an apple, outside of the chow hall, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO??!"

I definitely knew how to answer this question. "No Excuse, Drill Sergeant!"

"I want you to throw that apple away, now, Private," Drill Sergeant LoudVoice screamed.

I look around desperately for any type of garbage receptacle, and see a couple of dumpsters, over 400 yards away... and they were the closest ones.

I take off and begin running as fast as I can, almost tripping over myself, to get rid of this offensive piece of fruit. I throw it in the dumpster and haul my butt back to the Drill Sergeant.

"What is your name, Private?"

"Private Clark, Drill Sergeant!"

"What company are you in, Private Clark?"

"Bravo, 3-5, Drill Sergeant!"

"And who is your Drill Sergeant?"

"Drill Sergeant Simpson, Drill Sergeant!"

"Okay, Private Clark, I am going to talk to Drill Sergeant Simpson about this, you can be sure. Dismissed."

We performed our about face, then walked away from the Drill Sergeant, and at that point, I Knew. This. Was. It. The opportunity he had been waiting for. Drill Sergeant Simpson now had his One Soldier That He Was Going To Kill. I knew I was a Dead Man Walking.

Slowly we went to the Shopette, grabbed what we needed, and went back to the Company Area.
And I forgot all about it all weekend.

When we awoke at 0330 Monday Morning, we went out to our morning formation, and performed our morning Smoke (dropped for push ups for the hell of it) Session, and then lined up outside the chow hall for Breakfast.

When out of the darkness I hear the Voice of Doom: "Where's that Private Clark?"

Oh. My. God. "Here, Drill Sergeant!" I get out of line and run over to him away from the line of soldiers.

As I have mentioned before, Drill Sergeant Simpson was not the tallest guy to ever walk the planet. But what he lacked in height he more than made up for in size. He was only about 5'5", but I swear he weight about 220. When he wore his BDU sleeves up, I still to this day do not know how he got his arms into his sleeves. It dod not matter what time of day it was; he was always wearing his tortoise-shell Wayfarer sunglasses. And he was as dark as Midnight. So when I came up to him that dark morning,I could barely see him. I stood in front of him at Attention and said, "Drill Sergeant, Private Clark reporting to the Drill Sergeant as Directed."

He just stood there, staring at me through his sunglasses for what seemed 2 minutes. Finally, he says to me in his low voice, like he is talking to the Accused, about to be Executed, "Do you have anything to tell me, Clark?"

I had still completely forgotten about The Apple Incident. I stared at him dumbly."No, Drill Sergeant."

"Something about an apple?"

Oh. Shit. I was completely dumbstruck, and I felt the blood drain from my face. I felt faint, and I wanted to throw up. I started to say something, but he just said to me, "Don't ever do it again, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Drill Sergeant!" I said, and he told me to get the hell out of his face. I went back in line, relieved and satisfied that I might just make it alive out of here after all. And thankful that he did not hurt me.

But it was not even half over...